Effective Communication

As a YBP, I’m sure you have a goal to remain professional with all business relationships and interactions. But I would hope that you put in the same effort with personal relationships and friendships. Professionally you know that you need to have tact, be respectful, and listen carefully in order to communicate successfully. The same concept applies to personal relationships. It takes a lot of effort and patience to have successful business relationships, so why wouldn’t that same effort and patience work to have successful relationships.

So what do you do when you just can’t agree on something? When you butt heads and “agreeing to disagree” won’t help you move forward with the situation. How do you get through an impasse? Resist feeling dejected and like the situation is hopeless, because it will be hopeless as long as you treat the discussion as a debate in which one of you expects to be declared the winner. But rather than thining of your conflict as a debate, try thinking of it as a problem-solving discussion between two people who are committed to taking care of each other and themselves. Respect and compassion are essential for true repair to begin. When couples fight, instead of listening to each other, they’re usually preparing their next argument. They are either talking or waiting to talk, creating walls of isolation and fury in the relationship. As the fight escalates, it veers off course, derailing into accusations and recriminations that are close to the angry wail of a baby. You can’t solve a problem when you’re acting like a child.

The first step in having an effective conversation is to listen with love. That means being able to hear what your partner is saying and emphatically listen to their words. To listen with empathy means putting aside your own agenda and defensiveness for the moment, and opening your heart and mind to feelings other than your own. This is a sign of commitment and maturity. When you listen with empathy, you create an atmosphere of safety, respect, and love. Try mirroring what the other person said to make sure that you really heard what they said. This is great advice from Dr. Robin Smith, one of Oprah’s favorite people. She encourages mirroring and the easiest way to begin is by saying “If I hear you correctly, you’re saying…” Just saying the words sheds some of the arrogance of thinking we know what the other person is going to say. It raises the possibility that we could be missing the boat and not getting the essence of what’s being said. It brings to the surface the all-too-common reality that we haven’t heard what our partner said. Too often we’re responding to the voices in our own heads (how we think the conversation will go). Don’t try to read their mind or expect them to read your mind. Talk and listen.

Bringing up old conflicts during a heated discussion is also very detrimental. It does nothing but add feelings of attack and conflict. Focusing on the current subject will prove more effective and productive. Stick to the point of the discussion and try not to bolster your argument by recalling old hurts.

So the next time you begin to engage in a verbal slugfest and before you hurt each other’s feelings, make an effort to listen and understand each other. Being patient and having a real conversation can uncover remarkable truths about the situation necessary to move forward. There is no such thing as a relationship without conflict. But it’s the way that you deal with the conflict that can either help or hurt your relationship. Communication is the key.